I'll call the POLICE!!

It was a pleasant day. Sun shining, kids playing, a gentle breeze...all you could ask for in a Saturday. And then it became an episode of Parking Wars. One gentleman was very upset at the location the other had parked his car. It escalated quickly into a shouting match about how one neighbor had ruined the other's lawn, the legality of where you can park on a city street and who was more of an asshole. Then the bigger neighbor yelled, "We'll call the PO-lice and sees who's property you on!" Everyone seemed to disperse but sure enough, the TPD showed up shortly after. Unfortunately, the police kept them in check and we couldn't hear a thing. No one was killed so I guess it was a good day.

Rat Bunny

In my neighborhood playing in the street is pretty much normal. I am not sure why but it is and it has been since I moved in here. Mostly this means there is a lot of yelling "CAR!" and running out of the way.

Today there was a new rebel yell -- "RAT!!!" which cause not only kids but adults to scatter like cockroaches. "Rat!" was followed by a lot of screeching and some men running in to see what happened and hit it with a stick or some other stupid macho response. The only thing is that is is very odd for rats to be running around in broad daylight. Now, I have seen some rats in my time here but it is usually at dusk or when it is raining and they are trying to find shelter. I have never seen one out and about just socializing in close proximity to five or six people. After much screaming and chasing (might I just suggest that no one should purposefully chase a Toledo rat), the rat turned out to be a baby rabbit. We on the porch had to giggle because we have seen baby rabbits (tiny) and we have seen Toledo rats (size of a Dachshund) so I can only hope we are present when these people actually see their first rat.

After the trauma of the rat hunt, playing resumed in the road. A boy and his father (or older friend or neighbor since I can't tell who belongs to who here) are playing some sort of sports game but for the life of me I can't tell you what. There is ball kicking, ball catching, ball rolling, and a lot of terms and phrases that don't go together like: "fumble" "goal" "I'm open" and "get it through the goal posts." What is really sad is that whatever it is, this kid sucks at it. He could not kick a ball straight if his life depended on it. He has thus far hit two cars, three hedges and a few flower beds. David Beckham he is not. He doesn't do any better rolling the ball -- so there is no pro bowling in his future. He can catch a lob from a short distance but usually he falls down immediately afterwards. This is often followed by some bellowing about an injury. I am beginning to think they are sending him into oncoming traffic on purpose.

Everyone did finally go inside and the quiet of roar of traffic was all that could be heard. Boy 1 emerged looking like he just woke up and stumbled to the car. I am guessing he will be back in a few with some fast food bags and a case. A young gentleman in Miami Heat warmups at a svelte 220 walked down the road carrying a Tupperware container and a few minutes later came walking back with it full of food. That's new even around here. We will pay more attention next time because hey if someone is giving out food I am not above taking my Tupperware down the road.

T-Town Porch is back!

Ah porch...how I've missed you.

During the winter Boy 2 moved out. I think it was on good terms because it was quiet and he was here the other day to pick up his golf clubs. Boy 1 has a new look -- rock starrish. Longer hair and a fuzz face. He also got a new car and today we were able to watch him attempt to figure out the third row seats. It didn't happen. After three adults worked at it for over thirty minutes, no third row seats were found.

Milo's parents came home in a big ass white truck. The beach ball has turned into a baby and the dog is nowhere to be found. Yeah...called that one. There was a load of what looked like plywood which he banged on in the back yard for about five minutes, then proceeded to mow the lawn. Who does that in April? Is there lawn to mow? I think he was avoiding his wife because he mowed the same lawn three times. When he went back in the house she took the beach ball baby and left. I figure in a year he won't live there anymore.

The dogs went all out ape shit because a very brave (or stupid) squirrel decided to plop himself in the burning bush and stare right at them. Fun times! Mia has decided the porch is good. She sat out here most of the day watching the people go by and barking at the birds.

Pugs are populating the neighborhood. I saw five today -- all fawns. Paxton loves other pugs and barked incessantly at them.

Also populating the neighborhood -- mullets! Several wiskey-tango, mullet-porting men were seen today. The hands-down winner was the 350 lb man on the small red Kawasaki. He had the shaved side of head mullet which danced in the wind as he cruised down the street. Man I love this town.

I Think Boy Two is Dead

So Boy 2 either moved out or was killed and put out in the monstrous trash cans the city gives us. He has been MIA for about a month. I am leaning towards dead because I don't think the guy can live on his own and no women would keep him this long. Plus, I never saw anyone move out -- no trucks, now moving boxes, no nothing. On the up side, it was boy 2 who was the loud mouth with the temper so there has been no midnight screaming.

Here are the scenarios I have played out in my head:

1. Boy 1 who seems to have a steady chick now had to off him to get the house back. Since we know he drinks excessively, boy 1 could easily poison him. Since we have huge garbage cans that are picked up by a mechanical arm -- easy disposal. He then hacked his FB page to continue to post "Tropically Thursday!!" and other such weird statements to throw people off the track.

2. He was taken out by his own men at training because they were tried of him coming there drunk. It has to be annoying to take care of the drunken solider. I won't even get into how easy the government coverup would be.

3. He slept with the wrong girl. This could go in one of a few ways. Most obvious -- he didn't call and she got so ticked off she offed him. She may have run him down on Tropical Thursday when he would have been too impaired to run or dusted the take out with belladonna. It could have also been that some girl bedded on Tropical Thursday may have had a husband or boyfriend. Again disposal in the city is easy.

For the record, I have no idea what Tropical Thursday is but I have heard it yelped frequently so I am assuming it is something that includes alcohol, paper umbrellas and drunk hoochies.

Hookers in the Hood

Today is probably the last day I will be able to use my porch for another year. For a beautiful Sunday afternoon, there isn't a whole going on...

Krista came out to talk about the car in the neighborhood that looks just like mine. I have seen it too. Copy cat! David came out to yell at her about the price of turkey. Apparently she paid too much. Funny thing is she bought it with the for the church with the money the church gave here so it doesn't really make a difference to him. She is really good at pretending he doesn't exist. She didn't even turn around - just kept talking. He went in and we continued our conversation. I put the last of the bird feed in the feeder and marveled at the disgusting soupy mess the pumpkin had become since the squirrels hallowed out all the edible parts. There is also a spaghetti squash out there which is completely in tact except for the small bite some squirrel took to taste it. Note to self -- woodland creatures do not like spaghetti squash. Hopefully both will rot happily over the winter. I found one year from my laziness that a pumpkin left out all winter makes for very fertile soil the next spring.

The only bit of excitement on the porch this afternoon has been the boys going to get their lunch (someone who actually cooks less than I do) and the lonely hooker who was wandering around the neighborhood. Yes I am just assuming she is a hooker. I have no real proof. I didn't ask her or see her proposition anyone. I am basing this theory on a few different things. 1. She looked like a Toledo hooker. Toledo hookers are not attractive women. They are usually pudgy, average looking, poorly dressed women. Today's hooker was wearing stretchy pants that were a bit too small and few inches too short, a sloppy top which fell off one shoulder making her look like a Pat Benatar wannabe, and no bra. 2. I know most of the people who wander my hood. I have not seen this woman before. She walked from Berdan to Balkan and wandered about halfway down before turning around and going back the way she came. 3. She seemed to be walking the space in front of Dave's old house. Dave got evicted in September. He hadn't paid his rent in a year (or so we were told). Dave claimed to have ben an orchestra conductor, psychologist, IT professional, and several other highly respectable occupations in the ten years I have lived here. It took them several days and several U Hauls to get his shit out and I am guessing there is a whole lot of it left in there because he was a huge hoarder. I know for a fact several of the items he took out of my dumpster never came out of there. Dave also has been known to have had a hooker or two in there. One actually seemed to live there for a while. 4. She was carrying a hairdryer. Who carries a hairdryer around? I am assuming in this poor economy, that payment is payment.

Since the hooker left, the only activity has been a lost old lady who stopped her car in the road blocking traffic and a squirrel who is presently tormenting Harley. Maybe he will eat the spaghetti squash.

You have to pay extra for that...

I miss one night on the porch and I regret it! Eric was going it alone while I was out with home ladies from work. In the middle of my second vodka cranberry, I receive a text from him with an update. In broad daylight in full view of the whole neighborhood, a nice young lady walked up to the neighbor's door in a white, lace negligee. When boy 1 answered the door, said young lady lifted the her top, exposed herself and gained entry. When I arrived home she was leaving, fully clothed in jeans and t-shirt. I have never seen her before, nor was she driving the car often parked in front of the house for overnights. I am guessing you have to pay extra for service like that.

How to make a romantic proposal.

Every now and then some random "friends of boys" entertain us with tales of love and romance. Today was such day. Some lucky lady is about the be the fiancee of one of the many Neanderthals who drinks beer and plays corn hole next door. After the discussion of where the ring was purchased (BG for the record -- it was a family tradition) the topic turned to the proposal. The ring bearer's pal suggested that he should do something really romantic to propose. To be honest, I was impressed. It didn't last long. The most romantic thing he can come up with it taking her to a Mud Hens game. Why is this romantic you ask? Because you get your picture on the jumbo-tron. Lucky lady, however, does not like the Mud Hens -- only Ohio State. The only other suggestion he had was to take her to Stello's in Perrysburg. I can only assume he meant Stella's, but close enough.